What does it all really mean anyway?

As with everyone, I have had my fair share of ups and downs. I have found it helpful from time to time to take inventory. Do a self evaluation of my life. Although, so far this is the best time of my life. There are always issues, but in some ways I finally know who I am and I'm OK with it. No doubt, I will continue to learn, grow, change and will need to reassess.

I am now at one of those times - internal inventory. I've been looking deep into my soul and personality looking for the why and making peace with it. Many people choose different routes for this endeavor: religion, self-help, Scientology, one could go on and on. I personally think it is very important which route you choose, but that will not be the topic of this blog.

Being in this place, sometimes things strike you differently. Something did when I volunteered to be a subject in a research study. Now, before you get the idea that I'm going be subjecting myself to experimental drugs, procedures or sleep studies. I have volunteered to mentor a newly graduated nurse practitioner (which is yet to be assigned). The researcher will be analyzing my responses to questionnaires regarding my perceived benefits of this endeavor.

As part of the initial interview, I was required to fill out several questionnaires. One included a value system, and I was to pick my top three of the listed virtues. My response was timed. Interesting. The virtues included: Honesty, Integrity, Kindness, Perseverance, Gratitude, Fairness, Generosity, Dependability, and Trustworthiness. Although I've had some schoolin', I am not an English major. I felt like a dumb ass. I wasn't sure I could tell what made honesty, integrity and trustworthiness different. I struggled. I was being timed!

I made my choices and then went back and looked them up. According to dictionary.com, here you go:

Honesty – 1. the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness. 2. truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness. 3. freedom from deceit or fraud.

Integrity- 1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

OK, I'm not sure the dictionary helped with that one... humm...

Kindness – 1. the state or quality of being kind: kindness to animals. 2. a kind act; favor. 3. kind behavior. 4. friendly feeling; liking.

Perseverance – 1. steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement. 2. Theology. continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.

Gratitude - the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful.

Fairness – 1. free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice: a fair decision; a fair judge. 2. legitimately sought, pursued, done, given, etc.; proper under the rules.

Generosity - 1. readiness or liberality in giving. 2. freedom from meanness or smallness of mind or character. 3. a generous act. 4. largeness or fullness; amplitude.

Dependability - capable of being depended on; worthy of trust; reliable.

Trustworthiness - deserving of trust or confidence; dependable; reliable: The treasurer was not entirely trustworthy.

And again, are dependability and trustworthiness the same? Anywho...back to the point...

As I looked at the definitions, it has made me evaluate each of those qualities in myself and the people I choose to include in my life.

Everything in life is a choice. After much pondering, journal-ing, mulling it all over. I have come to a conclusion. I need to make some choices and follow them through. I cannot overlook them anymore and pretend they are not there. If there is one thing I have learned, it is running from or denying your issues only makes them stronger. You have to accept them and deal with the reality that this is the way you are and this is the situation you are in. Only then, can you see the way.