Crazy Mouse

Well, it is fall and in Dallas, that means it is time for The State Fair of Texas. Fair time has a lot of associations for me; hot days with cool evenings, fried food, petting zoos, "fair day" off from school (the sense of playing hookie), I could go on and on. Needless to say, I look forward to the Fair. This year a group of friends decided to get together and head out there.

We met in front of "Big Tex", and if you have never seen him, he could be a bit scary. Young children are either in awe or crying. He is approximately 25 foot tall plastic cowboy that will periodically talk to the audience. I still get a kick out of watching the 3-6 year olds stare at the giant.

We pretty much ate and drank our way through the park. Among the seven of us, we consumed enough calories to prevent starvation to the entire population of a small third world country. Excess - the American way. Really, at the state fair, it's not that hard to do. Just smelling the air can cause the arteries to harden and cause build up of cholesterol to the veins. The air is laden with grease and lard. Yummy! We tried just about everything. Corney Dogs, French Fries, Nachos, Funnel Cake, Ice Cream, Fried Snicker bar, and to top it off Chicken Fried Bacon, WOW!!! Smelling it was enough for me, we had just left the midway and my stomach was churning!

The Midway. I tell you what I am not as young as I used to be. There was a time I could ride anything and not get sick. I rode one ride and it took me about a hour to get over it. I was sooooo dizzy, nauseated, and just not right after being tossed around the air for a mere 3 minutes with loud music and flashing lights. It is so disturbing to me that I am getting old. Yuck!

So a couple hours later and just before we left, we were feeling brave again and decided we needed to ride the "Crazy Mouse". Well, I had the time of my life!! (So what if it is a kiddy ride, apparently, that is all I can handle any more). We had a great time.

Lighting the Path

I know I already posted a blog today, but I just read a great story and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to share it with you. I will just copy it word for word from the book I am reading (40 days to personal revolution) as to not mess up the point.

"We don't change by thinking; we change by being and doing with a pure intent. There is a story about two men, one a professor of philosophy, the other a sannyasin (seeker of truth), who were lost in the forest on a dark stormy night. The sounds of wild animals were chilling and the darkness dense. The storm grew stronger, the thunder louder, and suddenly lightning lit up the sky like the midday sun. The professor was looking up into the sky, watching the lightning and intensely analyzing their situation, and he didn't see the path through the forest, which was lit up in that moment. The sannyasin was watching the path and thus saw the way home.
When we are stuck in our heads, we are caught in a forest as dark as the one in the story. When a flash of lighting comes and lights the way, we must look for the light on our path so that we can take the right direction in that moment and go to new places in our lives. If you are reading about the forest, studying the map, or looking to the teacher, you miss out, because the lightning will not continue and darkness will return. The sannyasin knows that the lightning lasts only for a moment and that we must be fully present and open in order to see what it illuminates."

Good stuff...

Repentance

Repentance is an interesting word. For me, it conjures up feelings of shame and guilt about personal actions, with the intent of being forgiven. I think these feelings come about mostly from my Christian upbringing.

According to dictionary.com the definition is as follows: repentance - remorse for your past conduct

OK, so I'm not that far off. Why do I bring this up? I have made a commitment to myself for 40 days. I will begin my 40 day journey soon, but in preparation I am doing some study and reflection. In my studies, I have found a few interesting things I would like to share, and hopefully inspire some deep, meaningful conversation.

"The answer to the human predicament can be answered in a single word - Repentance", in this context the author continues to say, "Do not dwell on where we lost our way and all the ways we are bad, but rather to have the courage to face the pure, unsweetened truth of ourselves so that we can move on and grow in more honest and authentic ways." Very profound. I personally found in the past I repeat the same mistakes, guilty of the same sin, over and over. Why do I not learn? I ask for forgiveness, but it happens again and again. It is because I never looked myself in the face and accepted me for who I am, warts and all. Once you accept yourself, only then do you recognize the issues when they emerge. When you recognize them you can change your behavior or how you react to them.

In our "now" society, I would like to make this realization and be done with it. (OK, I fixed that one, how I'm done with that problem) Not really. Unfortunately, I think it is like everything else. You learn it, your try it, you fail miserably at it at first, you get better as time goes by and just before you die, you may get the hang of it. Life.

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." - Carl Rogers

Another year cataloged to memory...

There are some birthdays that are milestones. For me the first one was 8. I was old enough to get my ears pierced. I remember very clearly, we had driven in from our country home in Royse City, Texas to Mesquite. We had gone to Town East Mall. I had to make a choice regarding my birthday wish. Did I want my ears pierced (I was a bit afraid of the pain issue) or did I want a pair of overalls? Not that that isn't funny enough, but I struggled with the decision! I ended up piercing my ears (good choice). I still remember the inner tug-o-war of trying to make that so important decision.

Next up, 13. I was officially a teenager. This meant I could start wearing make-up everyday if I wanted. Boy, did I. I went through a scary phase. The excitement finally settled down. If only I could go back to that pristine complexion and not need the make-up, and face cream and wrinkle protection, and on and on and on...

There are of course the biggies for everyone...16...21...for obvious reasons. I struggled with 28 and leaving my 20's behind. I spent my twenties in two bad marriages and felt I had not used those years to their potential. I felt I could have lived much more, and in a better way. Life lessons, I learned much! I made changes.

Now, here I am are at 35. This is a big one for me. I know it is supposed to be at 40 and I may feel so at that time. But 35 has been sitting out there, staring me down for some time. In medicine it is a turning point (especially in OB/GYN). I officially have a geriatric uterus. It's time for mammograms, colonoscopies, and wrinkle maintenance. Occasionally, after exercise, my joints ache. What's up with that? I know about muscle pain, but my knees and shoulders. Yuck!

Someone brilliant said you have to trade your youth for wisdom. I'm not so sure it is a fair trade.

Fire in the Engine

I was sitting in a Mexican food restaurant that I frequent on a regular basis. A co-worker and I are talking shop. I looked around at the other folks there, some savoring their delicious meal choices, yet there are others who are hustling around insuring that everyone gets in and out quickly, and with a full belly. There is one particular employee. This individual has been there for years. She may be the best waitress I have ever had. When I walk in, she has a smile for me. I don't have to say a word, she already knows what I'm going to order, and in moments it is there before me, just the way I like it.



There are people all around us in various roles, just like that. What motivates them to do such a great job. On the other hand we all have known people who are not like that at all. This subject prompted a deep and meaningful conversation between my co-worker and I.



What motivates people? I think the same factors motivate people positively and negatively. I think the difference is their intended outcome or goal. Some of the factors we discussed were fear, money, ego and love. Most of the time I think they are combined. We discussed what motivated us, we reflected on ourselves, then we discussed each other.



This was a very positive, constructive conversation. It wasn't just an all-around pat on the back, nor were we holding hands singing Kum Ba Ya. We were real with each other. We were that way because we knew each other would welcome suggestions and feedback. I learned a lot about myself and my co-worker. I love moments like these. These are the things I think back on when I am upset, down, or bored. I wanted to write it down and reflected on it.



What motivates you?

What does it all really mean anyway?

As with everyone, I have had my fair share of ups and downs. I have found it helpful from time to time to take inventory. Do a self evaluation of my life. Although, so far this is the best time of my life. There are always issues, but in some ways I finally know who I am and I'm OK with it. No doubt, I will continue to learn, grow, change and will need to reassess.

I am now at one of those times - internal inventory. I've been looking deep into my soul and personality looking for the why and making peace with it. Many people choose different routes for this endeavor: religion, self-help, Scientology, one could go on and on. I personally think it is very important which route you choose, but that will not be the topic of this blog.

Being in this place, sometimes things strike you differently. Something did when I volunteered to be a subject in a research study. Now, before you get the idea that I'm going be subjecting myself to experimental drugs, procedures or sleep studies. I have volunteered to mentor a newly graduated nurse practitioner (which is yet to be assigned). The researcher will be analyzing my responses to questionnaires regarding my perceived benefits of this endeavor.

As part of the initial interview, I was required to fill out several questionnaires. One included a value system, and I was to pick my top three of the listed virtues. My response was timed. Interesting. The virtues included: Honesty, Integrity, Kindness, Perseverance, Gratitude, Fairness, Generosity, Dependability, and Trustworthiness. Although I've had some schoolin', I am not an English major. I felt like a dumb ass. I wasn't sure I could tell what made honesty, integrity and trustworthiness different. I struggled. I was being timed!

I made my choices and then went back and looked them up. According to dictionary.com, here you go:

Honesty – 1. the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness. 2. truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness. 3. freedom from deceit or fraud.

Integrity- 1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

OK, I'm not sure the dictionary helped with that one... humm...

Kindness – 1. the state or quality of being kind: kindness to animals. 2. a kind act; favor. 3. kind behavior. 4. friendly feeling; liking.

Perseverance – 1. steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement. 2. Theology. continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.

Gratitude - the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful.

Fairness – 1. free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice: a fair decision; a fair judge. 2. legitimately sought, pursued, done, given, etc.; proper under the rules.

Generosity - 1. readiness or liberality in giving. 2. freedom from meanness or smallness of mind or character. 3. a generous act. 4. largeness or fullness; amplitude.

Dependability - capable of being depended on; worthy of trust; reliable.

Trustworthiness - deserving of trust or confidence; dependable; reliable: The treasurer was not entirely trustworthy.

And again, are dependability and trustworthiness the same? Anywho...back to the point...

As I looked at the definitions, it has made me evaluate each of those qualities in myself and the people I choose to include in my life.

Everything in life is a choice. After much pondering, journal-ing, mulling it all over. I have come to a conclusion. I need to make some choices and follow them through. I cannot overlook them anymore and pretend they are not there. If there is one thing I have learned, it is running from or denying your issues only makes them stronger. You have to accept them and deal with the reality that this is the way you are and this is the situation you are in. Only then, can you see the way.

The First Time Out

I have been inspired by a good friend of mine. She invited me to read her blog. I loved it! Her post was interesting, funny, insightful... I discussed this with my significant other and it was suggested to me, that it might be a good idea to start one of my own. A window into the soul. Maybe I would find some healing. Don't we all need some of that?

So here is goes. I am no English major or novelist so the misspellings and grammar errors are just a part of who I am.

Maybe you will enjoy it as much as I am enjoying the idea and the potential.